Within the journal enterprise, the Again Web page is the place you’d discover all of the bizarre goofs that we could not slot in anyplace else. Some might name it “filler”; we favor “an entire web page to make horrible jokes which might be tangentially associated to the content material of the magazine”.
We do not have pages on the web, however we nonetheless love horrible jokes — so welcome to our semi-regular function, Again Web page. This one’s about cows.
Are you able to be moo-ved? Keen to be taken to the udder limits? Properly then, you are in the appropriate place, expensive pals, as a result of that is maybe the head of my work right here at Nintendo Life: A semi-definitive prime 12 cows in video video games, based mostly on a proprietary and top-secret grading system that I can’t be revealing right now.
I used to be going to make it all cows in video video games however then I began counting all of the Harvest Moon video games, and I needed to throw myself off a cliff, so I’ve narrowed it down to only 12 (plus honourable mentions). You are wel-cow-me.
Resident Evil 4
Do you know Resi 4 had a cow? Properly, now you do. Sure, the inhabitants of Valdelobos have so much on their plates, what with the Los Illuminados and the Plagas and Salazar going nuts, plus some boyband-looking weirdo and his ineffective good friend stealing all their ammo and valuables, however that does not imply they cannot nonetheless interact in some good old style animal husbandry.
This somewhat emaciated cow lives within the village with all its little cow pals and gives a quick respite from all of the Issues That Need You Useless. This cow couldn’t care much less if you happen to lived or died, Leon, so long as you do not attempt to kill it first. It is simply dwelling its joyful little cow life, utterly unaware of the fear that awaits you, as a result of cows do not know what zombies are. I envy this cow and its blissful ignorance.
Stardew Valley
Why so low down, Stardew? Properly, these cows are simply… tremendous. They’re simply tremendous. They solely are available two varieties — white and brown — they usually haven’t any enjoyable milk flavours. Even Stardew’s chickens are available blue, black, and gold!
Clearly, ConcernedApe shouldn’t be a cow man, and that is okay, you understand? However contemplating that ConcernedApe has particularly mentioned that he was influenced by early Harvest Moon video games… the place’s the cuteness? The place’s the adorably spherical nostril? I am sorry, Mr. Barone, however if you happen to can put dinosaurs in a sport, you can also make your cows no less than 20% rounder.
Divinity: Authentic Sin 2 – Definitive Version
Should you’ve performed Baldur’s Gate 3, then I implore you to take a look at Larian Studios’ earlier work, Divinity: Authentic Sin 2, an RPG with all the guts of BG3, however with much less of a Dungeons & Dragons affect. In DOS2, you may summon gore blobs that can assist you in fight, make out with a skeleton, and invade the desires of a lizard — oh, and it can save you two people which have been polymorphed into cows.
Now, these cows aren’t significantly cute or loveable. Their names are Geraldine and Mabel, they usually’re simply regular individuals who bought changed into bovines. You may have to take care of exploding rats, electrical frogs, potion making, and a battle with a witch to save lots of them each, which does not sound too onerous, however shock — it is really one of many hardest fights within the sport, and also you’re most likely solely stage 5 at this level. After which, when you’re completed with that, come again to the cow-people and restore them to common human life.
The rationale they’re on this checklist is that they are very humorous. It is enjoyable to pay attention to 2 cursed cow-people bicker about whether or not or to not speak to you, and much more enjoyable if you happen to come again with out the flexibility to speak to animals, which can outcome within the two of them bickering simply the identical, however in moos. There’s even a bonus shock that you just get while you efficiently return them to human kind — however I will not spoil that.
Oh, and if you happen to drink the potion your self? Congratulations, fool. You at the moment are a cow. Completely.
Minecraft
Minecraft cows should not cute. Actually, their wall-eyed stare makes me need to keep away from them as a lot as potential. However I can not deny that they are iconic, and higher but, they’ve flavours. There’s your primary cow, which is available in brown-and-white, wanders the fields, and waits to be changed into beef. There’s additionally the fantastic, distinctive variant of Mooshrooms; these fellas are available pink and brown variants and are the only inhabitants of the mushroom fields biome, the place no different mobs can spawn.
I am going to inform you a fast story: in Nova Scotia, the place I dwell, there’s a place known as Sable Island. It is a small crescent-shaped spit of sand within the Atlantic, and nothing lives there… besides about 500 feral horses. These light creatures roam freely, unbothered by most people, doing no matter it’s horses do. I feel that is stunning. Mooshrooms remind me of the Sable Island horses. They know nothing of battle or woe. They only vibe, man. I feel that is stunning.
The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time
A lot of the cows on this checklist are right here as a result of they’re lovable. This cow — and it’s one explicit cow from Ocarina of Time — is right here as a result of I like it. As a result of it raises deep and considerate questions on life. As a result of it teaches us the worth of perseverance and dedication.
That is the cow within the gap. Particularly, the cow that lives within the Secret Grotto, which may be present in Loss of life Mountain and Hyrule Discipline. Each different cow within the sport lives at Lon Lon Ranch, besides that one cow that lives in a cage in Kakariko Village (poor factor), and this cow, the cow within the gap, the cow that lives by itself in a cave. How did the cow get there? How does the cow keep alive? Is the cow okay?
Should you play Epona’s Tune to the cow, she’ll really speak to you earlier than supplying you with milk, saying that the music “jogs my memory of the pasture”, which is surprisingly touching dialogue from a thriller cave cow. Then she says “have a few of my refreshing and nutritious milk”, which makes issues bizarre once more. Nonetheless, free milk.
Aspect notice: Do you know there’s really a Cow% OoT speedrun? And that the present report is 28m 48s? Video video games are so nice.
Mario Kart collection
Apologies to Moo Moo Meadows and Moo Moo Farm followers — I do know you are on the market, and also you’re most likely my essential viewers for this checklist — however I will be smooshing collectively the three cow variations for this one. First, there are the Moo Moo Farm cows from Mario Kart 64: rotund, blank-eyed, and really clearly a 2D billboard in a 3D world, these are near the platonic splendid of a Good Cow, however their flatness mixed with their incapacity to get out of the gosh darn highway makes them extra of a legal responsibility than a good friend.
Taken from the 2D realm into the 3D eventually, the Moo Moo Meadows cows from Mario Kart Wii had been an unbelievable replace on a timeless cow traditional, however… properly… they’re simply fairly cow-shaped, you understand? I like a cow-shaped cow, however as you may discover out from the remainder of this checklist, I like a cow that is been taken to cartoonish cuteness extremes much more. The Wii Moo Moos are good cows. They’re simply not nice cows.
Fortunately, Mario Kart 8 break up the distinction, making the Moo Moo Meadows inhabitants a lot rounder, and a lot stupider. Do they nonetheless block the highway? In fact, that is the purpose of Moo Moo Meadows. However they appear much less like they’re doing it out of spite (just like the Wii ones) and extra like they’re simply a lot too dumb to dwell. I prefer it. I like these cows.
Contin-moo on to web page two to dis-cow-ver my prime six cows in video games… ?